Well Done, Weather (or: Bloody Snow and Replacement Rail Services!)

30 Nov

Look. That's what happens. A train station. A train station!

Nicely done, British Weather. I have but one criticism.


Okay? So it was only one mistake.

But it was a pre-e-e-e-ty big one.

Why? Well, I’ll tell you, just in case you don’t know. Because Britain totally grinds to a halt in any kind of sub-zero precipitation. Including snow. Especially snow.

You see, this weekend I had to take a replacement bus service about 56 miles from London to where I live.* It was not a pleasant experience. Train journeys are supposed to be idyllic, calm, nostalgic, and mine was. For all of the two minutes between Charing Cross and Waterloo East. Then, I had to shuffle off in my brand new green DMs**, Evening Standard in hand, iPod headphones trailing across the sodden concrete of the platform, out from the cosy-lovely-plushy train carriage and onto a steamy, phuttering old  Crosskeys bus. That’s no exchange, none at all! We should get our money back, or free crisps, or some kind of reimbursement for such an unfair swap.


Like this, but older, rustier and with a ton more snow.

That bus journey was a hellish experience. My headphones kept falling out, the jiggly-ness of the bus meant I couldn’t read, no matter how hard I tried, and I got a papercut in the eye from someone’s Guardian.

Plus, the roads were terrifying.

So, do you se my reason for being so ranty and venty at you, B.W.? It’s not because I don’t like snow. I love snow. It’s just because, as a society, we cannot deal with it. People can’t go into work or school; people go around wearing utterly pointless fingerless gloves and moan about their extremities going blue (which is totally brought upon themselves); roads get closed and then, within about two days of the fearful weather, the entire country runs out of grit salt and everyone is reduced to sprinkling Saxa on their back gardens with a teaspoon.

So, don’t you think it would be so much better in about a month, when nobody’s really bothered about working or driving, and people aren’t bored of their christmas presents and/or eating leftover turkey and Leftover Christmas Pudding Surprise***

So, then, British Weather. I suggest that you get yourselves a teensy bit more temporally aligned with the rest of us before you start messing with the serious weather systems.  And be especially careful in future when you start fiddling with a country that’s teetering on the edge of insanity, and can be pushed off the side by a single snowflake.

*Ha! Internet stalkers thwarted! You’ll never get me now, you hear me? Nevaarr!

**Boast, boast. But seriously, £13.00 reduced from £99.95. I had to.

***The surprise being that it’s made from giblets and cranberry sauce. I kid you not. I’ve tried it.

10 Responses to “Well Done, Weather (or: Bloody Snow and Replacement Rail Services!)”

  1. Ivy Blaise November 30, 2010 at 6:26 pm #

    Hahahaha!! Loved the rant! Am stuck here in my apartment for the last few days working from home as I refuse to drive in the snowy traffic chaos. At least it is pretty and white outside…

    Hope you can avoid any more bumpy bus rides..paper cut to the eye…yuk, yuk!!

    • EricDoesNotExist December 5, 2010 at 2:33 am #

      Yeah, the papercut I’m pretty sure I invented, but it looked good in text, so…
      I loved the snow-days away from school: brilliant! I lounged around and was a general teenager desperately trying to avoid doing a single thing. But it rained in the night, so I have now lots of homework to do and no excuse not to go back to school tomorrow, sigh.
      Hope you’re also enjoying the white, snowy (or grey, slishy/other) goodness!

  2. Allegra November 30, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

    Thanks for the great comment on my blog! I love your blog and will definately be back.
    As for snow, I feel your pain. Sure, it looks really pretty when you’re indoors with the newspaper and a cup of tea, but once you have to get out it in? Simply awful. Having to trudge through snow drifts nearly up to my waist walking home from school when I was younger quickly cured me of my love of winter.

    • EricDoesNotExist December 3, 2010 at 1:03 am #

      Up to your waist?! That’s crazy! I mean, I’m quite a small person as it is, and the snow here only just-about reaches my ankles. The thing is about snow is that it looks like a harmless, room-temperature mixture of polystrene balls and pillow stuffing. Not so. Deadly, icy, crispy, slippy stuff it is. All’s well and good when you’re looking at it from the inside of a frosted window– with a copy of the guardian (or equivalent, I suppose) and a mug of Earl Grey. Hark at my Britishy-ness!

  3. Val Erde December 1, 2010 at 2:14 am #

    Cranberry gets into everything doesn’t it?

    Yeah, British weather. Two inches of snow here and everything grinds to a halt. A guy whose blog I read lives in Montana and imagine what’d happen if they had just a couple of inches of snow there. They’d just laugh.

    I love your blog (what I’ve seen of it so far, anyway) and have subscribed by RSS feed.

    • EricDoesNotExist December 3, 2010 at 1:15 am #

      Urg, yes. Cranberry. It’s fine in desserts… possibly… but smothering it on some kind of poor bird? That’s animal cruelty! Actually, I’ve never really got the sweet-sauces-on-meat thingie: why put apples on pork and mint on lamb? I know it supposedly brings out the flavour, but frankly, it’s confusing and just wrong.

      I have pals in Finland who apparently laughed aloud when they saw in the newspaper a photo of Boris Johnson holding aloft bags of grit-salt underneath the headline ‘The British Are Ready This Time!’ Two inches of snow is pittance to them: it’s practically springtime. While we’re expecting daffodills and cute and lovely baby creatures aplenty, they’re going, “Oh look, that river has unfrozen!”

      Oh by the way, great name… sounds sort of… earth-mother, warlocky type-thing (please don’t be offended! It’s a good thing!) And thanks for subscribing, and the, um, six comments! 🙂

      • Val Erde December 3, 2010 at 1:35 am #

        What ‘Erde’ (which is German for ‘Earth’) or Absurd Old Bird, which is just absurd and me…??

        • EricDoesNotExist December 20, 2010 at 9:41 pm #

          ‘Erde’. There’s something just mystical and chant-like about it.
          However, Absurd Old Bird is a name and a half as well. It uses one of my favourite words in the English language, wittily and self-depricatingly describes the blogger… AND it rhymes.

  4. foodest December 4, 2010 at 4:30 am #

    I hope * wasn’t directed at me. :C

    I’ve only seen snow once in my life, when I lived in Japan. Other than that, we don’t really get snow in most parts of California.

    • EricDoesNotExist December 5, 2010 at 2:28 am #

      * was not directed at you. Okay, kind of. But in a jokingly nudg-y, winky-y way, so no awkward :C not-smileys permitted from you.

      And anyway, you only followed me here from Scott Dot Ning– unless you did a mahoosive internet- wide trawl. In which case, freaky.

      REALLY? That’s crazy! I thought America in general got quite a bit of snow, but that shows me, I suppose… :s

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