Moustaches Make Everything Better

24 Jan
This guy got it goin’ on. Whatever ‘it’ is. Or whatever.

BEFORE WE BEGIN:A tiny qualm. (I like that word. Qualm.) My computer browser insists… no, postulates that ‘moustaches’ is spelt without the ‘o’.

No is my answer.





Moustaches are awesome. Seriously, they are. Some of the sexiest people in the world have moustaches. Vincent Price. The 118 118 guys. (From that advert? Remember?) Rolf Harris has that full-on beard and moustache combo.  Everyone in the Alternate Evil Universe has a moustache.

Salvador Dali had one.

Brad Pitt had one. (But that one failed. Ish)


Prince Albert had an epic one.

And I think I know the reason why.

Moustaches are very cool. Very cool indeed. The extravagant protrusion of excess hair from the upper lip must bethe epitome of virility.  When Mr Fantastic Tache (pictured above) walks past an assembled gaggle of females, mass swooning is a given. To have the sheer force of will to coax hair– especially if one is balding on top– through yet another patch of skin and also have the audacity to let it grow to a length that can be waxed, styled, ornamented and generally shown off… well. That is a man indeed.*

But the best thing about  moustaches is this. They make things better. 


moustache hatThey make top-hats better. 


They make robots better (which is odd, because robots are pretty cool)


They can make ordinary, run-of-the-mill grey gloves into something beautiful**

Finally, you can hang your keys in style.


Moustaches are so good, they became bad. And now they’re so bad, they’ve become ironic. Yes, the hipster facial accessory of choice is now the ‘ironic moustache’: curly (if you can manage it) foppish (always) and strangely attractive. They can turn an average skinny, birdie indie-boy into a… skinny, birdie indie-boy with a ‘tache. I have no idea of the logic here, actually. It’s just a thing. Respect the thing.***  

Moustaches change a face. They can make someone ridiculous (see the aforementioned Pitt), sophisticated, suave (Brandon Flowers? Discuss), silly (Charlie Chaplin) or sinister (uh, Hitler?).

And whether you believe that they are the peak of gentlemanly glamour or the facial hair of fiends and fools, I think I’d quite like to grow one.

It’s quite unlucky, then, that due to my possession of  the XX chromosome, it’s quite impossible. At least for a while yet.


*Even if it is a woman. Believe me, I know some. It tends to have the opposite effect, swoon-wise.

**Well, okay.

***Actually, no! I get it now: the purpose of the ironic moustache is simply so an innocent passer-by can differentiate between a birdie indie-boy and a birdie indie-girl. Think about their shared characteristics: longish hair, eyeliner, slogan t-shirt, skinny jeans. It’s usually impossible to tell the genders apart. But with the addition of a fluffy moustache poking out from beneath the swooping side-fringe: voila! Instant identification!

12 Responses to “Moustaches Make Everything Better”

  1. Allegra January 25, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    I’ve seen that picture before…the top one, that is. Was it from the Guinness Book of World Records? Maybe an International Moustache Championship? I dunno, but my memory (that crazy thing) is telling me I’ve seen it before.
    Whatever. My point is, that is one cool moustache. Anyone who cares enough about the moustache look to actually grow one like that would probably appreciate this post. And maybe he’d like that key-hanger-thingie.

    • EricDoesNotExist March 6, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

      Having a tache like that seems to require a lot of commitment. And everyone should like that key hanger thingie.

  2. Val Erde January 26, 2011 at 3:13 am #

    Thankfully it’s not happened to me (yet, though Mrs Icy says it might, so I should be careful what I say) but when you get… errm…. old… you too might be able to have a moustache (damn, my computer also wanted to spell it without an o. What’s so wrong with the o, for heaven’s sake?) How about… MUSTARDache? Because if a person with a moustache eats something with mustard, it’s bound to get onto his (or her) moustache and then it’d be a mustardache. Stand to reason. Well, if it’s that sort of moustache, it would.

    • EricDoesNotExist March 6, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

      I have a feeling that a mustardache may invole an inflamed, burny feeling of the top lip. And no-one wants that, do they?

  3. Pie January 31, 2011 at 12:34 am #

    Other ‘taches include Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I, Eddie Murphy, Orlando Bloom in a pirate stylee and Lemmy from Motorhead. The Brad Pitt one is unfortunate, but moustaches generally are rather good. Certainly better than beards that always remind me of old sea dogs and dodgy crims.

  4. Allegra February 28, 2011 at 11:22 pm #

    Hey, congratulations, Josie, you’ve won the “Seven Facts” award! Check it out here:

  5. handglass March 4, 2011 at 4:09 am #

    You amuse me. 🙂

  6. dagnydarling March 26, 2011 at 1:52 am #

    I like mOustache. It’s fancy, and really, men’s facial hair could use some fancy-ing up.

    • EricDoesNotExist March 26, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

      What? You mean that ‘mustache’ (shudder) is actually how you guys spell it? That vowel-deficient monstrousity, that lusus naturae is actually the accepted construction of what is clearly moustache?

      You shock me.

  7. nabahanasyr August 15, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    Hilarious! You have an awesome sense of humour!

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