Spring Has Sprung… And It’s Horrible.

25 Mar



See? This is what you did to bunny!

Hallelujah, the birdies and bunnies are flapping and hopping, flowers are bursting on the trees, brighter than fairy lights or bronze-coloured autumn leaves. The grass is greener, shafts of sun slide though open windows and puddle like butter on the dun-coloured carpets. Spring has arrived and, frankly, it sucks.

I hate the cheery, relentless sunshine. Ubiquitous, and horribly annoying, it reminds me of my least-favorite kind of person: all blinding-white goaty smile and super-sharpened finger. “Why aren’t you smiling? It’s sunny! Be happy! Life’s fun*!” they would cry, while punctuating each puke-inducing outburst with a poke at the frown-induced fat-pouches on your sullen face.

I miss the morose anonymity of being shielded by grey rolling fog and sheeting rain. I miss miserable, hair-crimping drizzle and the utter freedom to wear whatever expression you like while stomping around in it. It’s all “Yay sun! Thank you, God for letting me be alive on such a glorious day, skippity-skip tra-la-la!” Everyone expects everyone to be sickeningly happy on sunny days. It’s like walking around in the middle of a saccharine, low-budget telly ad for tampons or car insurance.

Another thing that spring ushers in on its sick making wave of bunnies, flowers and happy-happy is the sudden urge to get naked. Well, not exactly, but I was on the bus maybe a week ago, looking out of the window, as innocent as can be, and suddenly a whole torso of pasty, flopping, flaccid hairy belly-carcass was staring at me, glowing in the marmlade coloured, five o’clock sunlight.

Since then, there have been many, many scarring incidents of Too Much Flesh, Too Soon. Examples: a woman walking around in a far too low-cut top, her wrinkled chest-bags jiggling like balloons half-filled with just-made jelly. My father, barely decent, stands resplendent in teensy running-short-shorts. His legs looked like they’d been covered in honey and then had beards thrown at them. It’s fine in the summer, Dad, but not in March! Please, leave me just one more month when I can look at you without first screaming at your exposed beard-thighs!

But what I hate most about sping this year is that it’s not even really spring. True spring, the spring of bluebell woods and picnics on springy grass loaded with midday dew, brisk wind and watery sunlight, crisp rain that tastes of earth and apple seeds: that spring is no more. Gone is the spring of Enid Blyton fairies and crab-apple blossom, this spring is simply a pre-summer, with neon yellows and none of that nostalgia, none of that knife-edge tenuity, no more waiting for the appearance of cherry blossom, yellow-hammers, may-bugs, boxing hares.

Spring as I remember it was a gradual awakening, but now, thanks to the continuous coughs of carbon dioxide, and the re-radiation of boomerang-ing greenouse gases, spring masquerading as a precursor to summer may be, sadly, here to stay. Which means I’ll be incurably grumpy until autumn.

***

* And no, it’s not, you empty-headed moron.

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7 Responses to “Spring Has Sprung… And It’s Horrible.”

  1. musiclover996 March 25, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    you ultimatly depressing person. who also insultsme quite a bit! your sister agress with me too! she thinks that you call me names to much!! after calling me …a person*
    but still…. your my maths buddy and i guess i have to love you… or die trying! ^^)

    *Sorry, I had to edit this very mildly– Josie

    • EricDoesNotExist March 25, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

      Sorry about the incensed namecalling. I was incensead and slightly delirious. My judgement was affected. And yes. I am indeed ultimately depressing. But you love me anyway, don’t you?

  2. Allegra March 26, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    I sure wish I had your problem! Sure, it’s officially spring, but we had snow yesterday. And today it’s sunny, but the temperature’s below freezing. We’re far from being annoyingly cheerful here…but, unfortunately, I’m sure it’s on the way.

  3. helliscloserthanyouthink April 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Hi didnt know where else to send you a “i won’t” as in fill upm your arts award blog :)so i thought i’d send you one here. And how can you not like spring? Summer, Yes. but not spring, spring is beautiful.

  4. pienbiscuits July 12, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    Spring’s fine. Nostalgia always makes us think things were better a hundred years ago (and sometimes it’s even true!). It’s now summer (sort of) at the time of my writing this comment. But worry not, poor little grumpiness. The snow, darkness and relentless rain will be upon us soon enough. Not long to wait now…

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